I’ve been away in Victoria travelling and at the same time suffering from a broken heart. I have been at odds with my emotions the past week. I feel bipolar in the midst of the holiday feel goods, I can quickly go from being holiday high to crushingly low in spirits. Mike wasn’t able to be with me during the second half of my trip on the Eastern side of Australia (however he was very supportive through our conversations late at night when the day’s wound down). I was spending time with my friend Emily and her family for the holidays, and often tried to hide my feelings around the family to keep people from absorbing my heartache.
It didn’t remove those sudden drops in my stomach when I focused my mind on what has happened. It didn’t stop me from spacing out and tuning out everything around me for moments forgetting where I was and whom was talking to me.
Some of you might know that recently, and earlier in February this year I flew back to Canada. On both occasions I rushed to my aunt whom has not been in good health. The most recent visit I travelled to her to say my farewells, which took a lot out of me…as it was final, and one of the most confronting things I’ve ever had to do.
Last week I received the news that my dear friend and aunt had passed away on Christmas Eve. While I know this relieved her from the long suffering she endured, I still feel pain knowing I’ll not be able to send her a note and receive a magnificent lengthy response (she was a wonderful writer, and would describe the little details in the day that might go unnoticed by some), or have a long chat and walk with her in her neighbourhood or talk about her life, travels, the trials and tribulations of raising children in a country that isn’t home, or the first time she met her amazing husband…
I feel like I’ve lost my mum.
I’ve always felt such an immense gratitude for her embracing me as one of her own even though she didn’t have to…as I was like a riff raff child just turning up at random, whenever I could. I just adored seeing her and my uncle together. I really admired the love between them.
I’ve lost a great friend who was also a compassionate, loving, mother and wife. This news has been hard to process, but I know whatever pain I’m feeling must be multiplied tenfold for my uncle and their children.
Jane, I know you’re safe.
I will love you forever.